I’m bleeding again and I’m so, so, so scared and Wednesday morning feels like so far away and I just want to know for sure if everything is OK or not and I keep bursting into tears and I’m anxious all the time and not sleeping and this is horrible and I think I’m going mad.
It’s exactly 36 hours until my appointment at the early pregnancy clinic. How can such a short period of time feel so massively long?
I’m not posting my intake today because it makes me want to cry or throw something. Which sums up my general mood quite nicely tbh. I’ve been flying into rages all day. I don’t mean being a bit pissy, I mean hurling a mug in the sink because husband took a single marshmallow. I don’t behave like this and it’s kind of scary. Idk what’s wrong but I’m so tired and hungry and my tummy is crampy and my head hurts and I keep crying for no reason at all. I can’t even put it down to really bad pms as I’m not due for a full week… God help anyone who is rude to me in the next few hours, that’s all I can say…
uh guys I don’t want to go out tonight everyone from work will be there including the manager and there will be much drink and possibly unknown food and I cant walk in my shoes and I feel fat and ugly and boring and I just want to stay home and I don’t want to go out.
Making our own pizza for dinner because we are way cool. Look out, I may post a picture :D
Ok so we’re going out in a bit for husband’s nephew’s 6th birthday. We’re going bowling at 12.30 and then lunch afterwards.
two problems:
1. I have no idea what time lunch will be, could be anywhere from 1.30 - 3pm and idk what to do about food because I eat at 12 normally and I had breakfast at like 8 and Husband’s family don’t know about ED cos they’re a bunch of judgemental morons.
2. IDK where we will eat. It will be a fast food place, most likely pizza hut but it could be macdonalds, KFC or burger king. This means I don’t know what I’m going to eat, plus the fact it’ll be much later than I’m used to so that means I’m at high risk of binging.
so yeah I’m panicking A LOT OVER HERE. Help?
I’m sure you guys know I’ve been sick his week - I’ve certainly complained enough about it. :P
Well I’ve been thinking about it, and ED and me in general - particularly how I’ve changed over the last 8 months or so. You see, if I had got ill in the summer there is no way I would have taken time off work. There is certainly no way I would have spent the best part of 3 days in bed.
I would have forced myself to carry on regardless of how unwell I felt and if by some miracle I had decided that bed was the best place for me, it would have been an opportunity to fast.
And I’ve sort of realised this week that ED isn’t just about the food and the weight and the anxiety. It really does affect every part of your life, your thoughts and feelings, your behaviour. If you’re sick you should rest, but ED won’t let you do that because then you’re lazy or a failure. If you are unhappy you should speak out, but ED can’t let that happen because it makes you “annoying” or “obnoxious.”
I felt no shame phoning work yesterday and today. Even today when the apprentice sounded panic struck at having to lead one of my groups. Last year I would have told him not to worry and I would have gone in and done the session. Today I just said “If you’re worried talk to (the manager) about it, she’ll sort something out.” Then I said goodbye, hung up and went back to sleep. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel guilty for taking time off. I can’t remember the last time it felt OK to stay in bed with a book and a cup of coffee and my laptop.
Sometimes I think I’m sort of stuck at a certain point, but then something like this happens and I realise all over again how far I really have come.
Erm… NO. How about because my nose is so congested that I can’t taste anything, my chest hurts so much it feels like it’s going to explode and I didn’t get any sleep last night because I kept waking up to painful coughing fits.
Possibly I have no goddam appetite. Come here and let me infect you with my cold and then we’ll see how much YOU feel like eating.
-.-
It’s hard to show you without the graph but I’m going to share my scores from April, and then January.
Global score: 5.319 (April) - 2.519 (Jan) (normal = 1.554)
Restraint: 4.000 (A) - 2.200 (J) (norm = 1.251)
Eating concern: 5.600 (A) - 2.200 (J) (norm = 0.624)
Shape concern: 5.875 (A) - 3.875 (J) (norm = 2.149)
Weight concern: 5.800 (A) - 1.800 (J) (norm = 1.587)
My behaviours have also dropped from 18 occasions per month to 2 occasions per month, apart from binges which have gone from 18 times to 4 times per month.
So, I’m still disordered, but much closer to “normal” and much, much more in control of my behaviours.
How do I feel? Mixed I think. I’m frustrated that I’m not “cured” but equally a little annoyed that I’m not still “sick” (I no longer meet the criteria for Bulimia.) It scares me to see the graph - and my husband’s reaction to the dramatic difference was scary too. I showed him the before and after chart and when he saw the before his response was “Jesus Christ, you really were fucked up. I knew it was bad, but seeing it like this just makes it really clear.”
The letter from my therapist says I should feel proud of my progress but I just sort of feel like I’m in no man’s land now. Not sick, but not well…
Does that make sense to anyone?
I was by my sister asked if I’d consider setting up a Brownie unit for a local village. (I used to help run one a few years back.) And I said I’d think about it, but then everyone started to g et excited and assumed I meant “yes”.
Then I spoke to my friend who runs a unit, and she does two nights a week for it AND runs it on a third night. Also, planning meetings every term, and district meetings every other month AND completing the training while you’re doing it. CRB checks, registering the unit, purchasing the resources, budgeting…
So my sister just text to ask for my email so she could forward me the details for it all and I said I don’t want to do it and have now turned my phone off in order to avoid confrontation and I’m sitting here feeling guilty and tearful because I’m a total bitch and let people get their hopes up and now the little girls can’t have a brownie unit all because of me being a selfish cow.
Breakfast is 30g Cheerios with almond milk, 100g grapes with a medium Braeburn apple, and a cup of tea 🍇🍎☕ #breakfast #fruit #healthy #tea #cheerios...
I was so worried over nothing. Cool as a cucumber I am. :)
Baby is ok. The sonographer wouldn’t let me get a photo though :( baby is nearly 5cm long and has arms and legs yay!
i thought to myself, what is this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach? and then i realized im hungry
Difficult day, but dinner will make up for it!
Breakfast:
Snacks:
You have permission to tell me I am AWESOME 👊! For dinner I had lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, sweetcorn, one mushroom, a white roll and TWO vegan...
Trigger warning: Do not read if you’re sensitive to images of women being criticized...
I don’t even know what to think haha I was so convinced it was a boy but I’m so happy and excited :)
