November 6, 2012
"You look healthy!"

I’ve heard it so many times: "They said I look healthy! That means I’m fat.”

Here’s something I’m coming to learn.

People don’t give out fake compliments. They would much rather stay quiet than choose to randomly come out with a bare faced lie about someone’s appearance. 

When someone tells you that you’re looking healthy, chances are they mean…


And that’s not code for fat. It’s not even code for weight gain. The person giving the compliment (because YES it IS a compliment.) has possibly noticed that your skin has more colour to it, your hair is shiny, your nails are longer, your hands aren’t blue any more. They may have noticed that you have more energy from eating and that’s given you a brighter smile or a genuine laugh.

And, yes, they may well be acknowledging that you’ve gained weight, but here’s another secret:

Gaining weight isn’t actually a bad thing.

If you are anorexic then you NEED to gain weight - it’s essential to your recovery. Also, underweight is not a good look. People genuinely do look more attractive and healthy when they weigh what their body wants them to weigh - be that BMI 19 or BMI 25. (It’s a broad window of weight for a broad range of bodies, people :P ) If you’ve managed to force your body to a weight it doesn’t like through restriction, purging or exercise  you need to gain that weight back again. This doesn’t make you fat, it makes you HEALTHY and healthy always looks good.

So, “you look healthy!” Really IS a compliment - celebrate it and take it for what it is because it’s proof that all your hard work is paying off.

September 5, 2012
Feeling kind of low tonight…

I’m not even sure why. got very low while at a friends and ended up coming home and trying to watch “the hunger games” as a distraction from an intense urge to binge.

Then I felt guilty for not being active enough today and forced myself out on what can only be described as a power walk - despite being so tired that I could happily go to sleep right now.

That’s another thing - no matter how much sleep I get and no matter how well I eat, I’m permanently exhausted. Like, I’m sleeping anywhere between 8 and 10 hours a night (and well too) but by about 3pm I want to go back to bed again.

So, to sum up (Because I’m sure you all like nothing more than moaning on your dashes :/ ) I feel tired and fat. All I can think about is feeling tired and fat. I want to go to sleep and wake up considerably thinner.

I really, REALLY hate having an eating disorder. 

August 22, 2012

"she’s fat"

"she’s thin"


"like a rake."



Right, you don’t like people because of their bodies. Think of the person you are closest to. I bet the first thing you think of ISN’T their dress size or their body shape.

It’ll be the sense of humour, the kindness, the empathy, the generosity, maybe the style of clothes they go for if it’s particularly “Out there.”

So WHY do we still see images all over the TV, magazines, the internet, telling us how we should look?

It actually isn’t important at all. It really isn’t. 

No one is going to say “Oh I don’t like you because you have a muffin top.” or “I can’t respect you because you’re too thin.” And to be frank, if they did, I hope you would punch them in the mouth.

We are artists, scientists, teachers, Doctors, tour guides, sales assistants, cooks, parents, children…

We are defined by how we act, what we do, our taste in clothes, music, art, how we express ourselves, our favourite food and drink, the people around us, the car we drive, our individual nature…

Our body shape or size is really the least important part of us. 

July 29, 2012
I NEED to lose weight.

You don’t understand, my BMI is so close to 25, I;ve gained so much, I’m so big and everyone can see. I afraid, genuinely, shockingly, paralysingly afraid of gaining. I can NOT risk it anymore. I have to stop eating. It’s the only way to stop the number going up and up and up.

You don’t get it. I’m FAT and that is simply unacceptable to the bully in my head. 

I NEED to lose weight. Fast.

9:46pm  |   URL:
Filed under: bulimia help fat 
June 10, 2012
I failed.

4:37pm  |   URL:
Filed under: stupid fat ugly greedy bitch 
May 5, 2012
On “fat”

I should try to explain a little about “feeling fat.” I don’t mean that I am medically overweight. I am aware that my BMI is healthy, I am aware that my dress size is below the UK average. My self perception is inaccurate. Body dimorphic disorder is very common in E.D sufferers because we see our bodies in such a different way to the people around us. I look in the mirror and I can see a double chin, flabby arms, a bloated stomach, chunky thighs… I genuinely see them. I know logically that I can’t have that much fat on my body to be the weight and dress size that I am, but my perception is so screwed that I have been known to convince myself that the shops have simply changed they way they size their clothing, rather than accept that I am a slim and healthy size 10. Trying to convince me that I’m not fat is a little like trying to convince  devout Catholic that God doesn’t exist. It’s frustrating, circular and pointless. 

However, “fat” also means a lot else. When I feel something negative, I automatically label that feeling as “fat”. I can understand “fat”, I can do something to alter that. I don’t find it so easy to understand “Frustrated” or “anxious” or “angry” or “sad” I don’t know where to start to deal with those feelings. I don’t like confrontation, so it’s much easier to turn those negative feelings onto myself, and take them out on my body. It’s really quite sensible when you think about it - those bad feelings have to go somewhere, and since I will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting other people, the only place left for them to go is my head and ultimately, my body.

April 29, 2012
"I’m sorry, I can’t come to work today - I’m too fat."

7:25pm  |   URL:
Filed under: fat 
March 6, 2012
"Is the obesity epidemic down to greed?"

Loose women pisses me off. This is why I work - daytime TV would turn me into a raving lunatic. Today’s topic "is the current obesity epidemic down to greed?"

It took a few seconds for it to sink in that they were actually going to debate this. One of those occasions where you find yourself doing a double take, frowning and then getting instantly annoyed. 

Greed? First of all, what is IS greed? Google tells me it’s an “intense and selfish desire for something, especially wealth, power or food.”

intense and selfish desire… how many overweight people actually have an intense and selfish desire to eat? How many obese people would take a day off work, not get their kids ready for school, go into debt or risk the lives of those around them in order to eat one more burger? I would imagine very, very few. Those who would clearly suffer from a deep and serious psychological eating disorder and need treatment. 

The overweight people I know don’t eat huge amounts of food, they just eat too much of the wrong sort of food. I myself was guilty of this as an overweight person. Yes, I have an eating disorder which makes calories the main focus of my day, but many people simply do not have the first clue about what they’re eating, or in many cases even how many calories they SHOULD be eating. Take my colleagues as an example. D is obese, R is a healthy weight…

D has a cheese sandwich on thick white bread with butter, a pear, a banana and a can of coke. My ED tells me this is around 600 calories. Talk to D and she’ll tell you that she’s currently on a diet. That she is being healthy because she has 2 portions of fruit for lunch. It hasn’t occurred to her that her lunch is actually high in calories and fat. She’s not greedy - she just doesn’t KNOW.

R has a carton of soup and a crumpet with low fat spread, an apple and a bottle of diet pepsi. 450 calories. She talks openly about “watching” her weight, being “aware” of what she eats and trying to be healthy. 

Compare these two meals. They LOOK similar in size, they both have healthy and less healthy components. D could lower her calories by switching to low fat spread, reduced fat cheese, and diet coke. She wouldn’t notice any difference, and she wouldn’t crave any extra food. Because she is NOT greedy.

How can it be suggested that obesity is down to greed? What about the cheap and readily available junk food which is not only right by the tills in every shop you walk into, but is advertised constantly in the media as something to be enjoyed as a treat or a reward. What about the portion sizes in restaurants, takeaways and pubs? We feel cheated out of our money if the portions aren’t too big for us to actually eat. 

Lets look at the overweight individual now. How do they feel? Society is telling them that they are unhealthy, unattractive, greedy and lazy. How is that going to impact on them? As someone who’s been there, I can tell you… it makes you feel dreadful. What do people do when they feel dreadful? Try to comfort themselves. How has society taught us to comfort ourselves? Food. 

Yes, I agree that some level of self control is needed in society today, yes we face choices every time we pick up an item of food we don’t really need, but I don’t think it’s down to greed. It’s down to a lack of awareness, a messed up society, the media and the availability of high fat foods.

February 28, 2012

8:26am  |   URL:
Filed under: fat 
December 5, 2011
Size zero clothing is about the same as child’s age 8 clothing…

You WANT to look like an eight year old girl?

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