No my baby is not 4 weeks old already. Nope. nononononono. NO.
I feel like I shouldn’t expect my husband to help with Alfie but I’m not sure why I feel like that. Part of it is that if I was breastfeeding he wouldn’t be able to feed Alfie and buy me an extra 2 hours sleep. I feel like I’m being lazy by not doing all the feeding myself even though Husband loves feeding him.
I guess I feel like I should love Alfie enough that I don’t need a break? I feel like I shouldn’t be overwhelmed and frustrated by 9pm because for some reason I should be unendingly patient and calm. This makes no sense to me when I use my logical mind to think about it - Alfie has two parents for a reason, sleep is a necessity not a luxury, and most people will be ready for a break after 4 hours of colic. (non stop crying.) but every night my husband has to practically force me to go upstairs for a nap despite the fact that he really looks forward to his “no mummy time.” I lie in bed and feel like a terrible mother because I’m getting a 2 hour break instead of running myself ragged to be some sort of supermum. IDK I just feel like I shouldn’t need a rest from my baby.
Anonymous asked: Alfie is the cutest, and I am so glad you're doing better. Way to go, wonderful lady!
Thank you, I’m glad too! :)
Anonymous asked: Alfie in his tigger coat is one of the cutest things I've seen in a while. Thank you for making my day! I hope you all are doing well xx
Thats because he is very adorable :) thank you, we’re doing good. :) :)
I happen to know of a local breastfeeding expert. She delivered our training at work and is generally all round amazing.
I may regret it but I’ve called her and left a message. I’d like to know my chances of successfully reversing my decision to stop bf Alfie, even if it meant I could feed him once a day. I know I still have some milk so I think its possible. I just feel so sad and upset about giving up and I wonder if it will be different now I’m feeling better in myself and I’m more bonded with Alfie.
If anyone can help me its this woman, I just hope she calls back.
**please don’t reblog**
Just for my doubtful anon… Alfie chattering away in his very adorable tigger coat.
**Please don’t reblog**
Anonymous asked: Bella :( ever since you've had Alfie it's made me doubt my desire to have a baby. It just sounds so awful and upsetting and tiring and....(dare I say it) pointless. I mean, im only 17 but, still. I Just don't like you being upset over alfie :( :(
I’m sorry seeing my posts has made you feel that way, I really am. I always forget to say that I don’t tend to post the good bits. I post the bad bits because my blog is where I can safely let out my negative feelings and ask for support from strangers (so I don’t care if they judge me.) Whereas I feel able to share the good bits with people in my real life, on facebook and via text etc.
I’d do it all again. Even with the complications at birth and the breastfeeding and the anxiety. I would (and will) repeat it one day. Because it’s not pointless. Its overwhelming and scary and exhausting and it’s triggered a relapse of the anxiety I suffered as a teenager. (probably because I love him so much that the thought of harm coming to him terrifies me.) but when I’m cuddling my sleepy baby against my chest, or he makes and holds eye contact with me, or turns to the sound of my voice, or when he’s alert and responds to my singing or his toys, or when he pulls strange faces or stares at the ceiling like its the most amazing thing on Earth, its all worth it in a way I really can’t explain. He makes me feel like I belong, like everything is just how it should be. Looking at Alfie when he is content or asleep is what happiness feels like. Its better than Christmas morning or getting the new book you’ve been waiting for, or seeing an old friend. The world stops and everything makes sense.
So please don’t take what I post to be an accurate picture of parenthood, just remember that tumblr is my safe venting place, so it will lean towards the negative because otherwise it all has to stay inside.
Anonymous asked: Did you have troubles eating while pregnant even though you knew what was right and what was wrong ? I've made it to 9 months but this month seems so much harder the feelings of guilt and wanting to be hungry are getting to much.
aw lovely you’ve done so well to get this far, and you’re nearly at the end now!
I struggled in the last month too. Looking back objectively I can say I was just bloody hungry! In the last few weeks of pregnancy baby is trying to gain as much weight as possible and the only way they can do that is to make Mamma eat plenty!
I thought there was something wrong with me because I just CRAVED sugar desperately. I’d have pop tarts for breakfast and snack non stop on high carb food all day and still eat a big dinner. I hated it, thought my baby was going to be huge or addicted to sugar or something. I hated myself too.
Guess what though? Nothing bad happened. I just needed to listen to my body. Heres how I got through it: My logic was that I was only going to be gaining weight for another 4 (or 3, 2, 1) weeks so how bad could it really get in that time? and I promise, giving birth is the quickest way to drop a LOT of weight. I know its quite a disordered way of thinking but it stopped me slipping into behaviours at a time when I really needed my strength.
Did you know labour and birth burns 10,000 calories? No wonder we eat so much in the last trimester!
Seriously though, if you think this is becoming an issue you should tell a professional, there is help available but you need to ask for it.
As a midwife said to me “Don’t lose the plot now lovely, you’ve come so far and you’re almost there.”
Since having Alfie I worry so much it makes me feel sick. Today husband told me that he knocked Alfie’s head on the ceiling while trying to lift him into the baby carrier and all day I’ve been convinced he’s got concussion. Alfie has been fine. Theres not even a mark on his head. He’s fed well and had an alert period this afternoon. But I am certain that he’s not right even though there is no evidence to support this.
We went to town and I was uptight and anxious the whole time. It was too hot inside and too cold outside, I was worried he’d wake up and cry and then I worried because he didn’t.
Its a constant feeling of tension in my chest and I can’t sleep or concentrate because its so overwhelming.
— Wasted, Marya Hornbacher (via findingmyrecovery)
1. Always carry $5 and a lighter with you (even if you don’t smoke).
2. Ask every person you meet how their day is going. Genuinely ask with the soul intention of learning how their day is. Ask the coffee shop employee. Ask the person next to you in line at Walmart. Ask your distant friend. Ask everyone.
3. Take many photos of yourself. Take photos of yourself when you’re happy. Take photos of yourself when you’re sad. Take photos of yourself because there are millions of trees in the world, and we all look at the same sky, but there is only one of you.
4. Stay in contact with your parents. Try not to hate them. They are the reason you have the ability to feel anything at all. Try not to hate your parents.
5. Opening your skin will not set your demons free. Open your heart. Open your mind. Open your hands.
6. Nobody knows anybody completely. That’s okay.
7. Be gentle, but be aggressive. Take a stand. Nobody hears your voice if you stay silent.
8. Respect everybody. We are all humans trying to survive. We all deserve respect.
9. Wearing black will ALWAYS make you feel better about yourself.
10. Always give tips, whether it be a couple extra dollars or a piece of mind. You never know how much you could be helping someone.
11. Change is the only thing consistent in life. Do not allow that bother you. Embrace chance and move with life, whichever direction it chooses to take you.
12. Smile often. Smile at strangers. Smile at your friends. Smile when nobody is looking and you’re alone in your bedroom. Smile when somebody is rambling to you.
13. Body image means nothing. Your body is merely just a seatbelt in the car. Your body is here to protect you. You choose the direction you go, and your body will not hold you back. Only you can hold yourself back.
14. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t allow yourself to hate anybody. Forgive them. Learn to love them for the person you never got to see them to be. Believe that a beautiful human exists in that person. Wish them well.
15. Drink orange juice. Lot’s of it.
16. Don’t allow the opinions of others to choose your destiny. We are all simply trying to live our own life.
17. Sing all the time. Sing off key. Sing in a silly voice. Sing like you’re on stage. Sing no matter who is around. Singing is breathing for the soul. Sing.
18. Take time to think. Write your feelings down. Write letters to the people you love. Texting is overrated and not as heartfelt as a nice handwritten letter.
19. Live for yourself. Breathe for yourself. Do everything in your life for nobody but you. This is your life. This is it."
— Katey Chrest (via thinly)
Anonymous asked: I know I'm a little late but we're tight on cash and I had to go without internet for awhile. Anyway, congratulations on the healthy, happy baby boy! I know you're going to be a great mother. Honestly I went through a few of your posts, just to catch up and even though I'm just an anon, motherhood isn't perfect but it's beautiful. I know sometimes it'll be hard and even more times you'll be so happy and having a great time with a great relationship and it'll be the best thing in the world. xoxo
thank you lovely! Alfie is brilliant :)
nothing quite comes close to the horror of your newborn slipping out of your arms and under the water in the bath.
It seems perfectly reasonable in my disordered head for me to go on a diet less than 4 weeks after giving birth. I’m weighing daily and feeling the old rush of excitement when the number drops. I’ve swapped snacks for low calorie hot drinks and I’m “keeping busy.” (read “burning calories.”)
I know where this is heading but I don’t care? This has always been the problem with ED, there’s a stage where it feels good.
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