I want another baby. Like now. M says we’ll talk about it in February which I know is logical. But try telling that to my body. dammit. Being back at work is not helping either. I was supporting the well baby clinic today and omg so many tiny ones all curled up and smelling like newborn. My uterus is making me a mad woman.
I started to have horrific cramps this afternoon so saw the out of hours gp. He thinks its highly likely I was pregnant and am now having the beginnings of a miscarriage. If I don’t start to bleed properly in a few days I have to see my regular doctor, but otherwise just wait it out.
I don’t really know how I feel to be honest… I didn’t even think I was pregnant after so many negative tests following that positive one, but the DR said it’s more likely to be a miscarriage than a false positive test, so I guess I was pregnant… I do feel sad, but mostly confused. And my tummy hurts. :/
In other news, my body appears to be on strike. My period is many days late, but multiple tests have continued to rule out pregnancy. I have acne to rival a teenager, and my boobs are agony. I am also exhausted. All of the time.
Yay for that. Dr next week I think if things don’t start to add up soon…
what if childbirth is just the pain of the 9 periods you missed
and all this time i thought it was the baby ripping through your vagina
Nah, the post natal bleeding is definitely the result of 9 missed periods. Childbirth is more like “OH MY CHRIST I’M BEING RIPPED IN HALF SOMEONE HELP ME I’M ACTUALLY DYING HERE.”
Alfie and I have a Sunday morning ritual. We go to the local car boot sale early, and then we share a chocolate twist in Costa, and I have a cappuccino. It’s my favourite part of the week, no hurry, no pressure, nothing else we need to do… Although the boy is asleep today so I guess I’ll have to eat his share of the chocolate twist. :P
Thank you for the messages regarding my return to work - I’m actually really enjoying it, although I’m not enjoying Alfie’s day at nursery today. He’s fine with M’s Mum on Tues and weds but screams at nursery still. :( :(
I’m also EXHAUSTED. More tired than I was at the end of my pregnancy! I know it’s because I literally don’t stop from when I get up until about 9pm, but that doesn’t help right now!
Days go as follows:
1/2 am - feed Alfie (20 mins)
5 / 5.30am - feed and change Alfie.
6 am - m gets up so I jump back into bed for a bit.
6.45 - get up, dressed, washed, do hair.
7- downstairs. Do makeup at table while feeding Alfie / packing milk and lunch / double check bags. (Mine and his) sort dry laundry, hang up wet, empty dishwasher.
7.30 - my breakfast
7.45 - change Alfie’s nappy and get him dressed for the day. Offer Boob (for my own comfort)
8am (8.10 on tues and wed) - leave the house. Drop Alfie at nursery on Thurs and Fri.
8.30 -begin full day at work
5pm - leave work, collect Alfie from nursery.
5.30 - Alfie’s dinner while preparing ours.
6.20 - tidy up, change Alfie, play.
7pm - Alfie’s bath and a story.
7.30 - boob and bed.
8pm - prepare bottles and lunches and snacks for the next day, tidy up living room, put chickens away.
8.30 - shower.
9pm - fall into bed and sleep!
Back at work tomorrow. I’ve been up since 5.30 and I have cried pretty much the whole time since then. I hate feeling trapped into going back due to the enhanced pay I received at the beginning of my leave. Anyone got a couple of grand they can give me? :( :(
|My friends with children:||sending you lots of love and thinking of you, hope it goes well, try to be brave, at least you can have a nice hot drink. ♡♥♡♥♡♥|
|My friends without children:||ENJOY YOUR FIRST DAY BACK, WOOHOO!!!! :D :D :D :D|
Anonymous said: I'm glad you're relieved! I had a similar scare last year and while it was totally nerve-racking, once the negative result was confirmed I was also kind of sad. Like it went from "SHIT NOT READY NOT READY BAD TIMING SHIT WTF" to "yeah, I wasn't ready... but there could have been a baby..." and I started legitimately trying not too many months later. Just remember that you are a kick-ass mom and you will be able to handle whatever your uterus might decide to throw at you, now or in the future :)
Thank you anon, it’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling weird about it! You’re right, it’s so weird how you go from panic to disappointment in less than a day. We always said that we want two children, but that with M’s job and my mental health history, two under two wouldn’t be the plan!!! In a few months I hope to post a positive pregnancy test with a happy “shit shit fuck shit”!!! :P
Anonymous said: I should have been more clear. My head was in the shed sorry. What i meant is i already take cocaine I've had anorexia in the past and am taking the coke mainly to help me loose weight again. I am afraid i might be on the edge of being addicted.
Ah I see, that makes more sense! Sorry for coming across as harsh in that case…
You must know this is a bad idea though - I doubt you are naive to the affects of being underweight, or of drug addiction. I strongly recommend you speak to a medical professional. It sounds like you have a lot of issues, which are most likely complex - one of which being why you have possibly swapped anorexia for Cocaine? I don’t think you sorted the underlying issues when you recovered from your ed. (Just from what you’ve told me - obviously I can only comment on what you’ve shared with me.)
Two negative tests this morning… relieved, but a little bit sad too. We do want a second baby - just in a year or two! ; )
Anonymous said: *sending lots of virtual hugs and cuddles* *and makes you a virtual cup of tea* *wishes it didn't have to be virtual*
♥ thank you. tea is good for shock, right? Hahahaha haha. *hysterical laughter*
Nope… not processing. Can’t think straight, never mind talk or type straight. Fuck. It’s too early anyway. Chemical pregnancies are common. I’ll worry in a week. Yes. That’s it.
- Since this blog is "personal."
I feel like my uterus is sucking the life out of me. I’ve been awake less than ten hours today and am about to go to...
I’m not sure how much longer I can function under this level of stress and high pressure. It’s relentless and the last week of the month is always a...
Dear Emma Watson,
I’m so sorry about all of those mean things I said about you. I was just jealous because I should have been Hermione. You are...
For the first time in months Luca slept through most of the night and only woke up once, I feel like a new woman.