You don’t understand, my BMI is so close to 25, I;ve gained so much, I’m so big and everyone can see. I afraid, genuinely, shockingly, paralysingly afraid of gaining. I can NOT risk it anymore. I have to stop eating. It’s the only way to stop the number going up and up and up.
You don’t get it. I’m FAT and that is simply unacceptable to the bully in my head.
Ok, so recently I’ve not been about much. IDK if anyone’s even noticed to be honest, but that’s not really important. Here’s the important thing:
I’ve been undergoing something of a revolution. I started treatment for Bulimia in June and since then my mindset has slowly but surely began to shift to where I find myself today…
Just 6 sessions and I can state:
I no longer compensate for my binges - either by purging, laxative misuse, exercise or starving.
I no longer count my calories.
I’m learning to accept that my body doesn’t hate me and it needs food to function correctly.
I’m learning that I can resist the urge to binge.
I can eat fear food without bingeing on it.
I think one of the most important things I’ve remembered though is that recovery really is a process. If you look at all the things you need to change to overcome an ED all in one go it overwhelms you and feels impossible, but with the support of a good therapist and understanding friends and family, it really is possible.
Look at what I have achieved in 6 weeks. I still have 14 sessions left, I can’t wait to see who I am by Christmas.
I’m hopeless. Don’t want to play any more. Apparently just 4 days worth of my medication taken in one go would finish me off. Why do DR’s give depressed people the weapon with which they can kill themselves? It seems obvious to me that if you’re prescribing someone antidepressants that it would be a bad idea to send them away with enough to kill them 6 times over.
All I wanted was to be thin and happy. All I got was obsessed and suicidal. Thin? Yeah I got that. Thing is, it means nothing really because it was never about weight really, and that’s why the thinner I got the fatter I felt.