"Fighting for the smallest goal - to get a little self control..."
sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence…
July 2012
why cant i have creepy followers who ask me questions about everything
Wow, I have a bad day and I lose 4 followers.
I know I shouldn’t be offended because people don’t want to be triggered…
Still. ONE bad day.
'a battered mars bar? No way, you'd ruin the mars bar.'
I Love Becky.
My blog is most likely going to be triggering today.
BMI 24.2. 5LBs off being overweight. This needs to change now. Restricting.
I NEED to lose weight.
You don’t understand, my BMI is so close to 25, I;ve gained so much, I’m so big and everyone can see. I afraid, genuinely, shockingly, paralysingly afraid of gaining. I can NOT risk it anymore. I have to stop eating. It’s the only way to stop the number going up and up and up.
You don’t get it. I’m FAT and that is simply unacceptable to the bully in my head.
I NEED to lose weight. Fast.
I don't plan to eat tomorrow...
amazing what a difference a few hours can make. I miss being empty.
did you ever realize that you could just get up right now and start walking somewhere far far away and never come home again
“I am so busy keeping my head above water that I scarcely know who I am, much less who anyone else is.”
—Sylvia Plath (via vamoose)
Fuck.
When it’s difficult - it’s the most difficult thing in the world.
My mood swings dangerously up and down depending on my food intake.
Right now I’m at the low point that comes straight after a binge.
Fun times :/
So, lunch was Hell.
chocolate ice-cream sundae. Yup.
I ate it. Now I want to die.
Haha. FML.
Ok, so recently I’ve not been about much. IDK if anyone’s even noticed to be honest, but that’s not really important. Here’s the important thing:
I’ve been undergoing something of a revolution. I started treatment for Bulimia in June and since then my mindset has slowly but surely began to shift to where I find myself today…
Just 6 sessions and I can state:
- I no longer compensate for my binges - either by purging, laxative misuse, exercise or starving.
- I no longer count my calories.
- I’m learning to accept that my body doesn’t hate me and it needs food to function correctly.
- I’m learning that I can resist the urge to binge.
- I can eat fear food without bingeing on it.
I think one of the most important things I’ve remembered though is that recovery really is a process. If you look at all the things you need to change to overcome an ED all in one go it overwhelms you and feels impossible, but with the support of a good therapist and understanding friends and family, it really is possible.
Look at what I have achieved in 6 weeks. I still have 14 sessions left, I can’t wait to see who I am by Christmas.
What is this strange feeling?
OMG - It’s National Pride.
James Bond, Mr Bean, JK Rowling, Mary Poppins, “Jerusalem”, Paul Mcartney, The Queen, Pink Floyd. Hell - THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET.
Nicely done London.
