Recovery from any mental disorder. Could you reblog this please because I’d like to follow more adults so I can see how they manage responsibility along with their illness. I appreciate everyone at any age but I’m not in school any more so I’d like to see some posts that are more relevant to my life now.
Could you do me a favour & reblog this please? Even if you are under 18 for any of your followers to see. Thanks!
I know there’s a ton of this sort of thing floating around tumblr, but tonight I’m desperate. Tonight I would give anything to not have Bulimia, and tonight I feel the need to share my misery in the hope that someone out there will take on board my story and stop before it’s too late.
The problem I have is that those of you who are at danger of developing an eating disorder are so busy working on getting yourselves sicker that you won’t pay much attention to what I have to say. You are the pro ana girls, carefully scrolling through your dash for thinspo pictures you can obsess over, use as a stick to beat yourselves with, make you try harder to not eat, make you ever more determined to push down that number on the scale. You are the ones who justify your behaviour because your BMI is healthy or even overweight. You are the ones who will stop tomorrow or next week or when you are thin enough. You are the ones who want to be ill, who see the anorexics in hospital with tubes in their noses and crave to be that skeletal yourselves. You won’t listen to me, you won’t read this - and even if you do, it will be so you can maybe glean a tip or two, use my words as ammunition to twist and throw back at yourself, use my words to feed your growing disorder.
I was you. I was the overweight one who craved anorexia in order to lose the weight that dragged down my self esteem. If I could just get thin enough I could be happy. It never entered my head that I would never be thin enough. Actually, it did enter my head. I knew how real eating disorders worked. The thing is that I couldn’t appreciate just how horrific a full blown eating disorder truly is.
Yes, it starts out fun. Waking up and running to the scales, feeling that elation or that depression depending on the fluctuation. It might be a nice distraction now, to plan every single calorie in and out. You might enjoy going to bed empty with your head spinning with numbers at the moment, but here’s the thing I need to tell you, the thing that you simply don’t want to hear: One day you will realise that you are no longer in control. One day you will want all the counting and weighing and anxiety and guilt to stop - but it will be too late. You will have set those patterns in your brain, they will be cemented as habits and you won’t know how else to live any more. All that time you’re spending remembering to be mean to yourself when you eat something you think is “bad” will pay off. The thing is, by then you will give anything to take it back and you won’t be able to.
You might be looking at this and thinking “yeah, but I won’t let that happen to me.” or ”It will be worth it to be thin.” and that’s the most frustrating thing for me because that’s how I thought, and I had so many opportunities to stop this, to get help and to be happy and healthy, but I chose not to take them because I thought it would be worth the misery of being trapped in and ED if it meant being thin. I’m not happy though. I’m trapped. I’m trapped and I don’t know how to get out. It’s no longer a case of just eat a bit more, just maintain my weight. It’s a prison. A prison in my own head. My ED is the guard, beating me up with binge after binge followed by days of eating nothing at all. It shouts at me, never gives me a second of peace. Last night I lay in bed and I told myself that I would not think about food, weight, calories or ED. I couldn’t do it. This thing has taken over my life and is nothing more than obsession and habit. Obsessions are not glamorous, they make people boring and self absorbed.
Eating disorders might feel like a game, but you can only ever lose once you start to play. Yes, you might lose weight, but you also lose confidence, self esteem, friends, a social life - and maybe your life.
I know one thing now that I wish, wish, wish I knew then. That is that I should have paid attention to posts like this, before I ended up crying myself to sleep at night, before I had to have 3 different sizes of clothes in my wardrobe due to my massively fluctuating weight, before I lost friends, before I hated myself so intensely that I have frequent suicidal thoughts. Before I gave myself up to my ED and found myself totally unable to escape when I changed my mind.
It’s NOT worth it. I promise you that, and if one person reads this and alters their path then I will be happy, because that one person will have more strength than I had, and more strength than all you Pro ana girls put together. Being brave enough to not develop an eating disorder is much, much stronger than devoting your time and energy to giving in to societies ideal of thin, and to that nagging voice at the back of your mind that lies to you every time it tells you to lose a bit more weight.
Don’t end up like me. I beg you. You’re beautiful as you are, I can state that with total confidence. Anorexia or Bulimia or EDNOS will not make you happy, confident or successful. It will make you lonely, depressed and feeling fatter than ever before.
I want to recover. I want to be the one to overcome it. I want to prove them all wrong. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to eat a slice of cake without eating the whole thing or panicking. I want to be healthy for my future children. I want to be able to give my all to my job. I want to get on better with my loved ones. I want to sleep at night. I want to judge my self worth on my character, not a number. I’m fighting.
OK, so I just ate half a small madeira cake and 2 chocolate teacakes. The point is though that I didn’t eat the WHOLE cake, all SIX teacakes, the crisps and the multiple bars of chocolate as well. This is a positive step.
There’s almost no getting used to Bulimia because it’s so good at making you believe there’s not really anything wrong with you. So each time you are presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, it punches you straight in the stomach and knocks you off your feet all over again