Bulimia in Bulimia's words
Hello, my name is bulimia, many people call me Mia and that’s ok with me :)
Who am I? I am…
your worst nightmare and your best friend. I tempt you into my world with whispered promises of control, love, respect, happiness and then I snatch it all away from you and leave you clueless as to what you should do next.
It usually starts with a diet. Sooner or later, the diet goes wrong and you eat everything in sight. 500, 1000, 2000, 3000 calories. And then you stop, you see the wrappers, you feel you tummy bloated and heavy and painful. It hurts. You panic.
At this point I give you a few options, and the choice you make may well determine the path we tread together.
1. Vomit. Run to the toilet and in desperation, get rid of everything you just ate. Sheer, blind panic.
2. Laxatives. Many. Sod the recommended dose, you’re gonna need way more than that, have the whole packet.
3. Exercise. Run. for two hours. Don’t stop. Get home, go on the Wii fit for another two hours. So what if its 2am? WORK HARDER!
4. Fasting. DO. NOT. EAT. TOMORROW.
You may choose 1,2,3 or 4 of these options. It doesn’t really matter to me, as long as you’re playing my game I’m going to win. Pick your poison and off we go…
3 and 4 is it?
You know, many don’t consider 3 and 4 alone to count, but we know better don’t we? I’ll send you to bed in pain and exhausted tonight as punishment for eating and then tomorrow the punishment will continue with little to no food. Why? BECAUSE IT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE! I worked hard on you to lose that weight, don’t you dare fuck it up now! You could have just vomited, but no. You chose the long road. DEAL WITH IT.
I tell you lies, I show you fat that isn’t there, it’s only to keep you motivated, you should be grateful for it really.
Do you like Maths? Well, you do now. Every little calorie must be counted, every little gram weighed. Unless you’re binging of course. Eat whatever you like then, but remember your punishment… It might be better to stick to under 1000 calories a day don’t you think?
I’ll take food, the thing that brings people together, and I’ll turn it into something to be feared. Fear of gaining weight, fear of binging and what has to come after, but the thing is, the binging is unavoidable. The trouble is that you HAVE NO SELF CONTROL Food can not be enjoyed in small portions. No, food must either be shunned or ALL OF IT must be consumed in a mad frenzy.
Eat like you haven’t eaten for a week, which possibly you haven’t if you’re hanging around with me. Eat until its all gone. It hurts, yes of course it hurts, but once we’ve finished this you’re never going to do it again, so just as well get as much in as possible. Anyway, you’re only going to get rid of it one way or another in a minute so even more of a reason to keep going. You want food so desperately? well now you’ve got it.
And ‘Ill have to call you names again to keep you on track, but it’s ok, It’ll be me sitting up with you while you do your crunches and run up and down the stairs, I don’t mind. We’re friends, you and me.
Or thats what I want you to think. I’m making you a better person, helping you out, building your confidence.
Want to know a secret? I’m like an abusive partner. I’m clever and manipulative, I make you believe that you are nothing without me, I convince you that I care for you, that I do these things for your own good. But the truth is…I’m scared you’ll leave me so I need to keep you downtrodden. I need a body to feed off of. If you succeed at recovery, we’ll both be vulnerable, so best I carry on hurting you because at least we can be scared together then…
I’m your guilty little secret. I’m your safety blanket. I’m your monster under the bed. I’m your best friend and your worst nightmare.
Welcome to my world,
Bulimia
xxx
