on a seperate note, I have joined Tesco diets and am starting their low GI plan tomorrow. Logic is that I’m going to try and lose weight anyway and at least a nutritionally sound plan will hopefully prevent a relapse into restriction / binging / exercising and fasting…
goddam breast pump has damaged the area at the base of my nipple. theres a wide cut / crack there and it is REALLY paimful. trying to figure out how to persevere with expressing when its like sticking razor blades in my boob.
Question time! You probably don't have the answer too but I can't find it any where so maybe you know; I have insurance but Molly who's being born on the 8th won't be coverd under my insurence I just got the call yesterday to be informed that 😩😭😔what happens if I go into labor and she dosnt have Insurance do you know? Cause I'm flippin out here.
ah I’m so sorry I have no idea! in the UK we just automatically get NHS care…
Any American followers know the answer?!
HE SMILES. HE ACTUALLY REALLY SMILES. I was tickling his back and he grinned. I thought “its wind” but he did it again and his little eyes went all crinkly too. Then I laughed and he smiled right at me.
Hi! I have ednos and I'm a healthy weight but I'm getting an ecg done soon and I was wondering if there's anyway to improve my heart so it isn't as bad? Like, i get pains sometimes. It's just I don't want to et pulled out of school bc of if :/ thanks :) xx
I don’t know much about hearts but I’m pretty certain that you can’t undo damage to it that easily. I would imagine that the only thing to sort it out (and certainly prevent further damage) would be to eat appropriately and not over exercise.
I would also say that your health is more important than school, after all you won’t be able to use any qualifications you gain if you are really ill with an ed and the associated problems.
Do any of my followers know about heart damage and eds? (Elizabeth-Avenged I’m looking at you :P)
He’s like a different baby! Alfie has alert periods throughout the day now where he will happily lay on his mat and stare at the ceiling. (It has black beams which are highly attractive to babies due to the contrast.)
He will briefly go quiet when he hears my voice and appears to listen to the sound.
He loves bath time and goes all funny, moving his arms and legs and slowly and going very quiet.
Lights are just the best thing ever. Apart from the ceiling of course. A ceiling with the lights turned on is just mindblowing.
We appear to be establishing some sort of night time routine. Alfie wakes at 1am ish and goes back to sleep around 2 or 3 and reliably sleeps until 6am.
He likes his bouncy chair. Mainly because it vibrates I think, but partly because the bar has little sea creatures hanging from it and they are good to look at.
Alfie joined everyone for a family dinner at my parents house on Sunday and quietly watched us all eating while being passed around the table. He was fascinated with the table cloth.
He can lift his head clear off the ground (if it suits him.) and the other day I left the room with him on his tummy and when I returned 30 seconds later he was on his back. We’re pretending that didn’t happen though.
Husband and my Mum are convinced he smiles. I’m convinced its wind.
So I’ve tried expressing twice… first time I got just one drop from each side, second time I got enough to line the bottom of the bottle!
The theory here is that boosting my supply will make Alfie think its worth suckling because he will be able to smell my milk and actually get something quickly. I need to express again at least once tonight and then give Alfie skin to skin and attempt the breast crawl again tomorrow morning to see if he will attempt to suckle again.
not sure if that was a successful breast crawl or not… he found my breast, latched for 5 seconds and then screamed in a way I’ve not heard before. It sounded like pure rage. mind you, I’d be pretty pissed too if food was not forthcoming when I expected it. Going to see if theres anything to express. Then I really should talk to husband about this, he has no idea I’m trying to re-establish breastfeeding…
I spoke to the breastfeeding expert today. She says there’s no physical reason why I can’t still feed Alfie once or twice a day but I will need to build up my milk supply again and it all depends on whether or not he’ll still accept my breast.
She’s advised me to have some skin to skin with Alfie when he’s due a feed and to see if he’ll do whats called a breast crawl. (where he finds the breast and latches by himself. its amazing - google it.) If that works its all good, if not I have to express until my supply is good enough for Alfie to feel its worth bothering with.
I’m not hoping for a miracle but I’m cautiously optimistic that I’ll be able to do a little bit of feeding. :)
I feel like I shouldn’t expect my husband to help with Alfie but I’m not sure why I feel like that. Part of it is that if I was breastfeeding he wouldn’t be able to feed Alfie and buy me an extra 2 hours sleep. I feel like I’m being lazy by not doing all the feeding myself even though Husband loves feeding him.
I guess I feel like I should love Alfie enough that I don’t need a break? I feel like I shouldn’t be overwhelmed and frustrated by 9pm because for some reason I should be unendingly patient and calm. This makes no sense to me when I use my logical mind to think about it - Alfie has two parents for a reason, sleep is a necessity not a luxury, and most people will be ready for a break after 4 hours of colic. (non stop crying.) but every night my husband has to practically force me to go upstairs for a nap despite the fact that he really looks forward to his “no mummy time.” I lie in bed and feel like a terrible mother because I’m getting a 2 hour break instead of running myself ragged to be some sort of supermum. IDK I just feel like I shouldn’t need a rest from my baby.
I happen to know of a local breastfeeding expert. She delivered our training at work and is generally all round amazing.
I may regret it but I’ve called her and left a message. I’d like to know my chances of successfully reversing my decision to stop bf Alfie, even if it meant I could feed him once a day. I know I still have some milk so I think its possible. I just feel so sad and upset about giving up and I wonder if it will be different now I’m feeling better in myself and I’m more bonded with Alfie.
If anyone can help me its this woman, I just hope she calls back.
Bella :( ever since you've had Alfie it's made me doubt my desire to have a baby. It just sounds so awful and upsetting and tiring and....(dare I say it) pointless. I mean, im only 17 but, still. I Just don't like you being upset over alfie :( :(
I’m sorry seeing my posts has made you feel that way, I really am. I always forget to say that I don’t tend to post the good bits. I post the bad bits because my blog is where I can safely let out my negative feelings and ask for support from strangers (so I don’t care if they judge me.) Whereas I feel able to share the good bits with people in my real life, on facebook and via text etc.
I’d do it all again. Even with the complications at birth and the breastfeeding and the anxiety. I would (and will) repeat it one day. Because it’s not pointless. Its overwhelming and scary and exhausting and it’s triggered a relapse of the anxiety I suffered as a teenager. (probably because I love him so much that the thought of harm coming to him terrifies me.) but when I’m cuddling my sleepy baby against my chest, or he makes and holds eye contact with me, or turns to the sound of my voice, or when he’s alert and responds to my singing or his toys, or when he pulls strange faces or stares at the ceiling like its the most amazing thing on Earth, its all worth it in a way I really can’t explain. He makes me feel like I belong, like everything is just how it should be. Looking at Alfie when he is content or asleep is what happiness feels like. Its better than Christmas morning or getting the new book you’ve been waiting for, or seeing an old friend. The world stops and everything makes sense.
So please don’t take what I post to be an accurate picture of parenthood, just remember that tumblr is my safe venting place, so it will lean towards the negative because otherwise it all has to stay inside.
Did you have troubles eating while pregnant even though you knew what was right and what was wrong ? I've made it to 9 months but this month seems so much harder the feelings of guilt and wanting to be hungry are getting to much.
aw lovely you’ve done so well to get this far, and you’re nearly at the end now!
I struggled in the last month too. Looking back objectively I can say I was just bloody hungry! In the last few weeks of pregnancy baby is trying to gain as much weight as possible and the only way they can do that is to make Mamma eat plenty!
I thought there was something wrong with me because I just CRAVED sugar desperately. I’d have pop tarts for breakfast and snack non stop on high carb food all day and still eat a big dinner. I hated it, thought my baby was going to be huge or addicted to sugar or something. I hated myself too.
Guess what though? Nothing bad happened. I just needed to listen to my body. Heres how I got through it: My logic was that I was only going to be gaining weight for another 4 (or 3, 2, 1) weeks so how bad could it really get in that time? and I promise, giving birth is the quickest way to drop a LOT of weight. I know its quite a disordered way of thinking but it stopped me slipping into behaviours at a time when I really needed my strength.
Did you know labour and birth burns 10,000 calories? No wonder we eat so much in the last trimester!
Seriously though, if you think this is becoming an issue you should tell a professional, there is help available but you need to ask for it.
As a midwife said to me “Don’t lose the plot now lovely, you’ve come so far and you’re almost there.”
Since having Alfie I worry so much it makes me feel sick. Today husband told me that he knocked Alfie’s head on the ceiling while trying to lift him into the baby carrier and all day I’ve been convinced he’s got concussion. Alfie has been fine. Theres not even a mark on his head. He’s fed well and had an alert period this afternoon. But I am certain that he’s not right even though there is no evidence to support this.
We went to town and I was uptight and anxious the whole time. It was too hot inside and too cold outside, I was worried he’d wake up and cry and then I worried because he didn’t.
Its a constant feeling of tension in my chest and I can’t sleep or concentrate because its so overwhelming.
“This is the very boring part of eating disorders, the aftermath. When you eat and hate that you eat. And yet of course you must eat. You don’t really entertain the notion of going back. You, with some startling new level of clarity, realize that going back would be far worse than simply being as you are. This is obvious to anyone without an eating disorder. This is not always obvious to you.”—Wasted, Marya Hornbacher (via findingmyrecovery)
“Nineteen things I’ve learned before I turned nineteen.
1. Always carry $5 and a lighter with you (even if you don’t smoke).
2. Ask every person you meet how their day is going. Genuinely ask with the soul intention of learning how their day is. Ask the coffee shop employee. Ask the person next to you in line at Walmart. Ask your distant friend. Ask everyone.
3. Take many photos of yourself. Take photos of yourself when you’re happy. Take photos of yourself when you’re sad. Take photos of yourself because there are millions of trees in the world, and we all look at the same sky, but there is only one of you.
4. Stay in contact with your parents. Try not to hate them. They are the reason you have the ability to feel anything at all. Try not to hate your parents.
5. Opening your skin will not set your demons free. Open your heart. Open your mind. Open your hands.
6. Nobody knows anybody completely. That’s okay.
7. Be gentle, but be aggressive. Take a stand. Nobody hears your voice if you stay silent.
8. Respect everybody. We are all humans trying to survive. We all deserve respect.
9. Wearing black will ALWAYS make you feel better about yourself.
10. Always give tips, whether it be a couple extra dollars or a piece of mind. You never know how much you could be helping someone.
11. Change is the only thing consistent in life. Do not allow that bother you. Embrace chance and move with life, whichever direction it chooses to take you.
12. Smile often. Smile at strangers. Smile at your friends. Smile when nobody is looking and you’re alone in your bedroom. Smile when somebody is rambling to you.
13. Body image means nothing. Your body is merely just a seatbelt in the car. Your body is here to protect you. You choose the direction you go, and your body will not hold you back. Only you can hold yourself back.
14. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t allow yourself to hate anybody. Forgive them. Learn to love them for the person you never got to see them to be. Believe that a beautiful human exists in that person. Wish them well.
15. Drink orange juice. Lot’s of it.
16. Don’t allow the opinions of others to choose your destiny. We are all simply trying to live our own life.
17. Sing all the time. Sing off key. Sing in a silly voice. Sing like you’re on stage. Sing no matter who is around. Singing is breathing for the soul. Sing.
18. Take time to think. Write your feelings down. Write letters to the people you love. Texting is overrated and not as heartfelt as a nice handwritten letter.
19. Live for yourself. Breathe for yourself. Do everything in your life for nobody but you. This is your life. This is it.”—Katey Chrest (via thinly)
I know I'm a little late but we're tight on cash and I had to go without internet for awhile. Anyway, congratulations on the healthy, happy baby boy! I know you're going to be a great mother. Honestly I went through a few of your posts, just to catch up and even though I'm just an anon, motherhood isn't perfect but it's beautiful. I know sometimes it'll be hard and even more times you'll be so happy and having a great time with a great relationship and it'll be the best thing in the world. xoxo
It seems perfectly reasonable in my disordered head for me to go on a diet less than 4 weeks after giving birth. I’m weighing daily and feeling the old rush of excitement when the number drops. I’ve swapped snacks for low calorie hot drinks and I’m “keeping busy.” (read “burning calories.”)
I know where this is heading but I don’t care? This has always been the problem with ED, there’s a stage where it feels good.
I’ve spoken quite openly about feeling like I don’t like Alfie and I’ve been very honest about not feeling “love” for him. I have always said that I would ensure he is well looked after but I felt that he wasn’t really mine.
Over the last few days something has been creeping up on me. I have found myself sniffing his hair when he sleeps on my chest. Its a smell that I love. He’s started to look at my face and I find myself looking back, loving his big eyes and turned down mouth. He coos and I love the sound of his voice. Tonight in the supermarket I bought an endless list of things for Alfie that he doesn’t need. I also spent the entire time thinking about my baby. (who was safely at home with his Dad btw!) I no longer want to hand him to other people at every opportunity, I don’t feel frustrated when he cries, instead my heart breaks because he’s uncomfy and I only want him to be happy and content. I sing to him because he seems to enjoy it and not because my training tells me I should. I take pride in dressing him in the cutest outfit I can find, I bathe him daily even though weekly would be enough simply because he loves the bath.
And just this afternoon I realised that I am in love with him. Totally and unquestionably and all of a sudden. Its overwhelming, I can’t stop looking at him and if I can’t see him I’m thinking about him. Its the most intense love I have ever felt.
It took over three weeks but I finally got the “rush of love” new parents talk about.
The midwife was supposed to come and discharge us today but its 3.30 now and they don’t do community visits after 4pm so I think they’ve forgotten us. Cue anxiety about whether / when to phone the unit to ask if we’ve been forgotton or if I’ve got the day wrong…
yeah, waste of time. One thing the NHS is rubbish at is preventative support for mental health. I was given a phone number and told to go back if I self harm, relapse into ED or feel I am “significantly” depressed. IDK, I think I’ll be ok once I’ve adjusted to everything, I’ve always struggled with new things and this is the most important new thing I’ll ever have.
Is your PND better now? (I am a little worried about you, you seem so stressed out)
ah anon you’re sweet. :-) Giving up breastfeeding helped - I no longer feel negative towards Alfie which means I no longer feel guilt about that. I’m struggling with anxiety and low mood though. (I feel that Low mood isn’t quite the same as being depressed.) I met my family support worker today and she’s referred Alfie and I for some baby massage to help us have special time together, and she’s going to see us weekly at home.
Anyway, I am stressed out and struggling but I know where to get help and what is available to me so I’m making sure I do everything I should / can.
I think my baby is poorly :( he woke us up at 4am sneezing and coughing repeatedly and sounding all congested and snotty. This morning he’s been asleep apart from when he wakes up to feed and he keeps making these weird snorting / grunting sounds. The DR will see him at lunchtime but I feel really sorry for the poor little love :(
i think freckles, stretch marks, tattoos, bruises, birthmarks and scars are probably the coolest thing, you started with almost a blank canvas and look at u now, all this evidence that you’ve lived and the sun has shone on you and you’ve grown and maybe tripped up a few times and liked an image so much u made it a permanent part of u, beautiful.
I hate myself. It’s just that the self hatred takes a different form now.
I feel like a failure for not breastfeeding, I hate myself for giving up, for not feeding through the pain. I hate giving my baby formula, I hate the anxiety I feel around sterilizing bottles and the cost of the formula. I’m waiting for him to get sick from me not sterilizing properly, or for him to get constipated from the formula. I hate that next week I have to attend a work event with my baby and give him a bottle in front of my work collegues who all promote breastfeeding.
I hate myself. I hate my stupid body and my stupid mind. The urge to self harm has come back after over a year of nothing, the need to shrink my body is intense. I don’t want to sit here giving my newborn artificial milk, I want to go to bed and sleep for 8 hours uninterrupted and not have to be a responsible adult. I want the anxiety and the fear and the guilt to go away.
Alfie keeps throwing up half his feed (at least that’s how it looks.) Then he gets all worked up because he’s hungry again. I’ve been taking the bottle away after every ounce and winding him but nothing ever comes up until after he finishes the whole bottle. I’m not overfeeding because I only give the bottle back when he asks for it. I’ve just bought some infacol but IDK if its wind or just plain greed… anyone got any ideas?
Breast is best. We’re told this everywhere we go with our bumps and then our babies, right down to the posters and pictures littering the maternity ward. I agree with this sentiment - hell, part of my job is to support Mothers to breastfeed and to promote the breast is best philosophy. It helps bonding, gives baby tailor made nutrition, decreases the risk of breast cancer in the Mother… its like a miracle liquid for everyone involved.
Except sometimes it isn’t. As someone with training and professional knowledge of breastfeeding it didn’t ever occur to me to not do it. And then my newborn was put to my boob and it entered my head that actually I wasn’t sure this felt… right. My baby was labelled an “enthusiastic feeder” by the midwives. This meant he would grab at any available flesh near my nipple and suck as if his life depended on it regardless of whether or not any milk appeared. Add flat nipples and slightly odd shaped breasts to this mix and baby and I both found the whole experience frustrating.
But the literature all around me told me “breast is best” so I kept going. I had amazing support, I should say that now, we even spent extra time in hospital to try and suss it out. The sad fact was that after 2 weeks the thought of allowing this little creature anywhere near me made me sob hysterically. I didn’t bond with my baby in those two weeks because I was too busy trying to tolerate having him feed from me. I honestly thought I hated my newborn. Finally I made the decision to quit. And I realised just how bad the underlying pressure to breastfeed is.
Formula feeding comes with a side order of guilt. Right down to the “important notice” on the tin telling you not to formula feed without the advice of a professional. When you try and research the different brands online you have to click a disclaimer saying you understand breastfeeding is best. The message is loud and clear, even if its not voiced. Official opinion is that you had just as well pour arsenic down your infant’s throat. And don’t get me started on the impossible to follow guidelines for making a feed “safely.” Officially you need 40 minutes to make it properly, by which time any baby worth its salt has screamed so much social services have been alerted to the terrible neglect the neighbours imagine to be happening. A midwife even told me she thinks these guidelines are simply to discourage formula feeding.
I’ve had my eyes openes to me this week, and I have formed an opinion: Much like smoking, if someone WANTS to formula feed no amount of information will change their mind. For those of us who have tried so hard, lost sleep, cried uncontrollably and missed out on enjoying precious time with our new arrivals these messages are damaging. While I will always promote breastfeeding I do think that the pressure needs to be lifted so that we can make informed choices without feeling like we’re poisoning our children. Happy Mother = happy baby. Regardless of the way you feed.
argh I know I have lots of messages, its just that every time I visit tumblr I have about 3 minutes before Alfie needs something! I’m not ignoring anyone and I love the kind messages you’ve all been sending I promise. :)