For 41 weeks I slept with my hands cradling my expanding tummy, holding my Gummy bear close.
For 6 weeks I dozed with a hand on my newborn’s tummy as he lay next to my bed in a basket.
For 18 weeks I tiptoed past him as he slept at the foot of my bed in his cot, kissed his head and climbed into bed myself. The sound of his breathing acting as a reassuring lullaby while I drifted to sleep.
And tonight we put him in his cot in his own room for the first time. He is just a wall away but it feels as though he is in a different house. My tiny baby is growing too fast.
Hey. Your one of the most strong inspiring people I've ever come across. The problem is we don't see ourselves the way others see us. In alfies eyes your god. Perfection. Give your years to him not to the ed.... I know you can. Keep strong ok? Xxxx
We also call it "mustard seed" here, the absolute worst for allergies when it's blooming!! And can I just brag that canola is a 'special' breed of rapeseed originally created in my lovely country of Canada!
So, you’ve decided to recover. Life has become so horrific with your eating disorder that the only option left is to try living without it. Congratulations, this is a massive step on your journey and you should take a moment to really feel proud of this.
Its a charity in the UK which provides volunteers to families who are having a hard time. You need to be referred by your GP / HV or midwife and then the charity matches you to a local volunteer. They come out once a week for a couple of hours and do whatever you need. So mine encourages me to get out if I’m low, looks after Alfie if I need some time out, comes to appointments and helps with light housework. They take on a Mother figure / friend role and they are amazing.
<b>Ed:</b> You know what's great? Clean eating. Clean eating would solve ALL your problems. No more chocolate for yo- ooh! Chocolate! EAT IT ALL UNTIL YOU FEEL SICK, FAT BITCH.<p><b>PND:</b> Well, you're a shitty Mother. You can't even look after yourself, never mind a baby.<p><b>Depression:</b> What's the point in even trying to be happy?<p><b>Anxiety:</b> The baby might be dead. Is he breathing? Is the room cool enough? Is his sleeping bag the right size?<p><b></b> Distorted body image: Yep. It's official, you have 20 chins as a direct result of bingeing all day.<p>
So after last night’s guilt (I didn’t binge!) I was ready to give up this morning, but to my surprise, when I came downstairs and saw those teacakes, I felt no desire whatsoever to eat them. In fact I felt slightly sick at the thought. I wanted fruit bread and an apple, so that is what I had. The triggery teacakes are STILL there. This is the longest a box of them has survived in my house…
Obesity is a huge problem in America and health should come before self esteem.
I understand that its a problem, but don’t you think they’re both linked? Generally people with obesity have low self esteem which can result in other problems such a depression making them feel even more worthless. Moreover if they felt horrible and worthless some would turn to emotional eating and others may turn to deadly eating disorders which add attrition health risks. Also when they feel worthless, unmotivated and horrible (all because of their low self esteem) they will never be able to make the final push to get them out of obesity and into a healthy weight range where they can be healthier and live longer. Without promoting high self esteem you will not only have a generation of people who hate themselves and there for look for ways to destroy themselves, but also a generation of people with obesity who will most likely never be able to come down to a healthy weight. Loving yourself and your body doesn’t solve all your problems but trust me it solves a damn lot.
So, you want to know how it feels to have an eating disorder?(ED)
There’s a saying: “If you’ve experienced it, you can’t explain it and if you can explain it, you can’t understand it.” I think that’s true with Ed, but I will try my best to explain it anyway. I should also point out right from the…
I met Mum for coffee after having Alfie weighed today. I looked at the options available as I was hungry and decided I REALLY wanted cake. I ordered cake and paid for the cake and the cake did not come! Usually I would just not have it because “I am fat and shouldn’t eat it anyway” but today I got up and reminded the staff about it. The cake dutifully appeared. Coffee and walnut with thick butter icing. It was DELICIOUS.
I bought two boxes of a very high risk food - tunnocks chocolate mallow teacakes. These are a BIG binge trigger for me. I bought 2 boxes as a visual reminder that there are plenty of them, I really can eat as many as I like. They are on my kitchen table, and have been for… 4 hours. How many have I eaten? 1 solitary teacake. ONE. not 6 like usual, and neither have I binged. This is a very big deal.
Dinner was roasted gammon, potatoes, peas and gravy. I paused halfway through, thought maybe I was full and talked to M a bit. Then I decided I wasn’t quite satisfied so I ate around half of what was left. The rest went in the bin.
My thoughts so far: Currently I am eating more than I would usually, but I haven’t binged for two days which is pretty good going. So though my intake is higher than usual, its less than it would be after a binge day. I can only assume this is good. I worry about weight gain, I can’t lie about that, but the idea of “making peace” with all food, and having it readily available to make it “allowed” is very logical and I guess it will be worth the initial “eat ALL the food” phase when my body gets the message that there is no famine…
moms are so temperamental you say one thing like “have you seen my hoodie” and theyre like your HOODIE??? YOUR HOODIE???? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY THINGS I HAVE TO DO EVERY DAY AND YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR HOODIE? NOBODY HELPS ME IN THIS HOUSE I DO EVERYTHING BY MYSELF AND NOBODY ASKS HOW I AM YOUR FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC
Lunch - I thought about what I REALLY wanted to eat… one of M’s sausage rolls, cucumber, grapes, and a packet of salted crisps.
This worried me A LOT. Sausage rolls usually end badly with me still feeling hungry but scared to eat any more because “omg cals.” I reminded myself that I’m only committed to try this intuitive eating for one week, and even if it goes wrong, I can’t “do that much damage” in a week.
So I chose my food, sat at the table and began to eat. The cucumber was bitter, so instead of forcing it down quickly, because “healthy”, I left it. I ate the entire sausage roll, half the crisps and most of the grapes. I enjoyed it. I have food left on my plate. I don’t want to binge. I can go back to it in a minute if I decide I want to.