July 29, 2014
Your Eatopia/ MM/ Gwyneth Olwyn

ruthiend:

I have read quite a bit of stick on tumblr lately for the minniemaud guidelines on youreatopia

If you don’t like them, you don’t have to follow them. They are certainly not for everyone.

They are a guide to refeeding and breaking eating disorder habits- NOT for reaching…

July 28, 2014

My car got locked in the car park and I had to walk across town to get a taxi home and all I wanted was to get home to Alfie and I felt so trapped and anxious even though he was asleep and absolutely fine and now I have to go in at 8am and collect my car because I am a fucking idiot and this is my punishment for going out.

The end.

July 28, 2014

Also, I don’t want to leave my baby at home while I go to a restaurant I can’t afford with people I only know through my baby.

And eating out still overwhelms me. Especially with people other than M. Especially while still dealing with mastitis. Especially after a binge 3 hours before we’re due to eat.

Why isn’t it acceptable to stay at home and watch TV anymore? All I get from everyone is “you need to go out.” “You need time to yourself” “you need adult time.” No I fucking don’t. I WANT to stay in with my baby. Omg.

July 28, 2014

I’m going out with some friends for dinner tonight. So why did I binge just now?
Self sabotage is the worst.

July 28, 2014
Just a Mum…

Just the first and last person my child sees each day.
Just the bringer of nutritious food.
Just the best playmate available.
Just a cuddly pillow at nap time.
Just a magic kiss to fix a bumped head.
Just a chauffeur.
Just the provider of toys.
Just patient.
Just kind.
Just a counsellor.
Just a mediator.
Just a teacher.
Just a cleaner.
Just the organiser of a day out.
Just making precious memories.
Just laying the foundations of a future.

Just a Mum.

July 27, 2014

Me and my body through the years…
From top left to bottom right.

1. Age 14. I was on a very high dose of antidepressants, not attending school, and having therapy for anxiety twice a week. I had anxiety attacks multiple times a day and was utterly miserable. I was also binge eating daily.

2, & 3. Age 23. This was possibly me at my happiest. Technically I was overweight here but I had lost a lot healthily and I felt awesome, attractive, confident, even now I love my body in those shots. I was radiating happiness.

4, 5 & 6: Age 25 / 26. The midst of my ED. Utterly miserable. Despite being a healthy weight, I was suicidal, obsessed with gaining even a pound, and I despised my body.

7. Age 27. Pregnant! I was stable, both in mood and ed. Not recovered, but pregnancy called something of a ceasefire on my body hatred.

8. Last weekend. 3 days before my 28th birthday. Learning to accept my body for the amazing thing it is regardless of its weight. Nourishing my baby. Good days and bad days, but starting to understand that my worth isn’t dependant on the bathroom scales.

(Nb: I wasn’t really drinking cider while feeding - we were messing about with the camera)

July 27, 2014
Bulimia doesn’t work.

I used to think bulimia did work for me, I used it as a weight loss technique, primarily (at least on the surface.) Yes I lost weight, but I soon gained it back, and then I was stuck in a cycle of trying to starve and then binge eating and gaining back even more weight, or at best maintaining the weight I was so unhappy with.

Bulimia is a pretty sad way to spend 5 years anyway, and then I realise that I weigh the same now as I did when all of this started. That’s one hell of a wake up call.

July 27, 2014

London 2012 could barely finish the Olympic stadium in 4 years, but Bob the Builder can build one in a single night.

July 27, 2014

Anonymous said: You don't need to find an "appropriate" reason to stop breast feeding. If you feel it's causing you pain and distress that outweigh the benefits, that is the only reason you need. Doing what's best for you is ultimately doing what's best for Alfie. It doesn't make you a bad mother. I know that stopping would be a painful and frustrating decision since you've worked so hard to get to this point, but please don't let guilt be one of the considerations <3

You’re right anon!
But I am a person fuelled by guilt. :(

July 27, 2014

I have so many jobs that need doing but I feel like death and have to get antibiotics for my boob at 10. I have 2 hours to complete the following:

1. Put washing on
2. Wash and sterilise pump parts and bottle.
3. Empty and refill dishwasher.
4. Change Alfie’s bedding.
5. Clean the highchair and floor from breakfast
6.Vacuum the living room before Alfie eats something random on the floor.
7. Wrap up mum’s birthday present.
8. Write grocery shopping list.
9. Dig up potatoes for dinner.

Also, I barely slept last night because both my boobs had blockages in them and I couldn’t lie on my side, then I got a fever and was convinced spiders were crawling all over my legs. On top of that, I had to get up to express twice as I thought my boobs were going to explode. I have no idea what’s going on with them, but it feels like it did when my milk came in. So close to just stopping today. :(

July 26, 2014

My energy company have just refunded me £220!!! Given that my income is currently 0, this could not have come at a better time!

July 26, 2014

Would 3 lots of mastitis, thrush and a blocked nipple pore in 3 months be an appropriate reason to stop breastfeeding?

So fed up right now. :( :(

July 26, 2014

If you check my blog every day…hi. I like you. ♥

July 26, 2014
♡

July 26, 2014

Today is so blah. I hate living in one of the tourist hot spots of the south. Beach full of skinny girls in bikinis, I feel huge and badly dressed and town is insanely busy. I have my period, yet another blocked milk duct and a headache. I’ve eaten far too much as a result and just really want to not exist for a day or two.

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